to a new season

. . .  there are so many things i can say, so many things that i want to write.   and reading this may be a little confusing  at first.  but as you re-read it a couple of times, it may make more sense.  there are a couple of ideas i wanted to dive into,  but instead i just let a flow of my thoughts be what it was,  sentence by sentence,  as i wrote them down.   but as i sit at my desk shuffling the sentences and words,  editing, wishing that i had my spell checker,   the early morning  hours that passed by,  greeted the heavy tiredness as it slowly shut my eyelids.  i quickly open them as the aroma of coffee drifts past me.  and there,  in a cup i pour and the steam quickly disappears into the air.   looking up around in my office,   the sunshine shone through the drawn curtain,   dimly illuminating the room,  giving it  a golden glow.   and there i am,  sitting and staring  at a blank page,  doodles on the page were supposed to be the words i wanted to write.  but this writer’s block presented to be something greater,  she is a wonderful distraction.   but that was a while back,  and my mind swims through this persuasion of  numbness,   slowly  drowning in the sea of emptiness.  seeking and searching to fill a void that is as deep as a canyon.   an early morning haze,  driving through this early morning traffic maze.  stop and go and the silence fills the air;   thinking i should have stayed in my dream like daze.   endless thoughts and emotions cover my mind like a thick fog rolling into a cityscape;    she seeped through the cracks of voidance,  everything i kept to myself,  the book that was my life,  tightly shut and put away,  she found it,  and read me well,  she was the only one who knew who i was.   i wasn’t supposed to let that happen,  and now i’m left with the never-ending question of what happened and why.   //   and now, a new season is before me.   just a passing memory comes and go,  like an ember refusing to die.    concrete pillars cast shadows down in between the beams of sunlight radiating the mid afternoon’s heat.   a new season.  standing before me was a challenge –  staring me straight in my eyes.   and i’m looking it down,  ready to take it on.   and as i leave work, i remember that i am no longer in that city,  but i’m in this city.   a new environment,  new surroundings.  i’m blinded,  but by familiar surroundings.   my walk home from work,   the memories that followed me here,  plays peek a boo with my head.    i must move on.  she holds the colour in my world,  but  i must push forward.  this new season that is before me,  the fall leafs are falling through the winter,  and straight into spring,   new leafs.  the sunshine shone through the drawn curtain,   dimly illuminating the room,  giving it  a golden glow.   and there i am,  sitting and staring  at a blank page,  doodles on the page were supposed to be the words i wanted to write.   but this writer’s block presented to be something greater,  she is a wonderful distraction.  a new season,  blindly looking across the way,  what will i find?   will the paths cross again,  lost at sea.  and the doodles on the page were supposed to be the words i wanted to write.   but this writer’s block presented to be something greater.  . . .

c 2013 BGW

all that slips away

53

. . . . . . darkness quickly covered the  days sky.   the moon shone its glow on the coastal waters,  and the waves still crashed ashore.   i keep looking around,  thinking that you’d still be there,  but the reality of solitude brought a chill of loneliness along with the sea’s breeze.  but after each step taken,  sinking in the sands,   i beg for the warming of the sun of yester;   knock on the door and there’s nobody home .   but still,  the stars guide the way and the intoxication of the salted air keeps me wanting more.  the peace that the beach brought,  now turned to a sharp sting of question.    the feet that sunk in the sands,  now freeze and feel like they’re in cement.  all that slips away –   the sea, the sand;   the moon and stars drifted all away,  and left me in the dark.   silence all around and the  darkness crawls upon my skin.  i cry out,  and nothing comes tearing out of my mouth.   tossing and turning,  feeling like im suffocating,  i gasp for one last deep breath.   muscles tense and loose,  slow to respond.  my mind races out of control.  panic leaps out from my throat and becomes lodged,  death in silence,  my thoughts race and cannot win. //   i am there.   my eyes squint,  adjusting to the bright light of day.   a riverfront cityscape stands before me,  and something is horribly wrong.  streets that should be busy,  the cars that are honking,   people who should be about,  were all void,  missing.   the water wasnt flowing through the fountain,  and yet again,  silence deafens.  standing in the middle of the street,  shocked and all in awe,  i couldn’t believe my eyes.   the tall buildings of brick,  steel,  and marble are all now lying in ruins,  crumbled in pieces on the ground.    a thick fog quickly rolled in and covered the recognizable ruins.   shouting for anyone to hear me,  all my cry’s falling on complete nothingness,  emptiness.   i run down the street,  jumping over the obstacles of pieces of building, running,  feeling like im going in circles,  still i shout out for anyone to hear me.  “CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!!!”     i quickly run down to the river that once saved me in a nine count  –  once again i freeze.   my eyes grew large in shock,  as i saw that the river had risen,  and swept away everything that was down on the front.  my heart beats faster as panic sets in.  where was i ?  i turn to run away from the rushing rising waters of the river.   i run faster and faster,  seeming like i was running like molasses,  more panic sets in.   trying like hell to get out of there,   the ground started to shake and the rest of what building walls stood,  now completely fell.  the black and white tiles,  scattered on the streets below,  the fountain statues now fell and broke apart.  the window glass now shattered and rained down on top of me.  still crying out for someone to hear,  my words turn to sheer bear calls.  i quickly try to run down through the disaster,  and i run myself through and now walnut street turned into our street where we live,  or lived.   i stop in shock and tears come pouring out of my eyes.    the sidewalk where i walked home  every night after work,  now lay buckled.  the wooded gate and fence lies on the ground,  and the roof sunk in,  windows broke.   i run up the cobblestone walk and rush through the door.   the front parlour  is now crowded with overturned books and furniture.  the mothers desk sat vacant.  i scream out your name,  desperately seeking your face,  silence answered and meet me in the entry.  i run up the torn stairs and rush to open every door,  yelling out for you;  an empty crib with unplayed toys.  “HELLLOOO,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,  IS ANYONE HERE?!!”  out of breath,  i stop out of sheer exhaustion.  the tears keep pouring out,  where was i ?  i lean against a wall and slide down it as i sat on the dirt covered carpeted floor.   my hands cover my face and i uncontrollably scream out  your name.  i reach out for my son,  but he doesn’t come up to me.  an unfamiliar emptiness,  and loneliness crawls up my skin.   and as my hands wipe my face,  slowly the home i once knew,  slipped away and  left me in the dark.   silence falls all around and the  darkness now crawls upon my skin.  i cry out,  and nothing comes tearing out of my mouth.   tossing and turning,  feeling like im suffocating,  i gasp for one last deep breath.  muscles tense and loose,  slow to respond.  my mind races out of control.  panic leaps out from my throat and becomes lodged,  death in silence,  my thoughts race and cannot win.  without all these things in my life,  i am nothing.   //   and as soon as the darkness rolls over my eyes and i gasp for one last breath,  reality quickly saves me and my eyes open.  sweat rolling down my face,  tears still pouring out of me,  are you next to me,  can i feel the arms that comfort?   the hands that soothe,  or the voice that tells me that everything is ok?   i pull the sheets off ad run down the hall,  and see if that crib is being occupied by my sleeping angel,  he is my life.  the nightlight in the hall softly glows,  not leaving me in the dark.  i turn the corner into the baby’s room.  my feet freeze and feel like they’re in cement.  in a blink of an eye,   all that slips away, please,   let me go back to the start,  where we started it all. . . . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW

the surprise in mind

. . . .i thought about her,  for about the millionth time today.  but the drive home from work just does that to me.   it gave me time to wind down from work,  and,  of course,  think of her.  she had been called out of town on business,   and had been away for a week and half.   i always counted the days when she was gone,  and counted the days when she’d be back.   it just became a habit.   but the thought of her could always cool me down,  after a hard day at  work.  frustration wiped away by the thought of her smile,  her kiss that would await for me at the door,  or by the loving reenforcement a man needs after being chewed out by a boss.   but i knew that i wasnt going to get greeted by any of  that today,  and the thought of her was just o.k.,  and seven days from now,  i knew it would be even better.   and somehow,  a smile crept onto my face.   like a horse pill that’s hard to swallow,   i just take these  lonely days one by one.   i came to the long gravel drive that leads to our farm town home.  in the summer,  surrounded by tall corn stalks,  and in the winter,  surrounded by the howling winds.   but with it being only june,  the  corn had only grown to about ankle height,  and that’s  largely due to the fact that spring brought a lot of rain, had flooded the fields.  slowing my pace,  and turning onto the drive,  i drive up towards our castle,  and park in the turn about,  right by the door.   i got out and grabbed my briefcase,  and walked back down to the drive to the mailbox,  to retrieve what the postman had brought.   bills,  coupons and more junk to throw away.   i don’t mind the walk.  not today.  the sun felt warm and welcoming.   a slight breeze comes and goes,  and the thought of her hair gently blowing in her face when she pulls it back behind her ears,   fills in the gaps of hurried silence.   i come to the mailbox and open its little door and i grab what is inside.   walking back up towards  the castle in the field,  i hold the mail in the one hand, and carry my briefcase in the other.   i walk up the two concrete steps that lead me the back door,  laundry room door,  and i turn the key and the door hinges squeak as i open it.   taking off my shoes  and setting my briefcase  down,  out of habit,  i turn to look for her.  and silence welcomes me instead.   i walk to the kitchen and throw the mail on the nooks table and i open the refrigerator.   the coolness hits me as i reach in and grab a cooled drink.  i turn back to the table and pull back a chair and relax for a minute.  taking a sip,  i grab the mail and look through it.  ads,  coupons and bills.  but in the back of the stack,  was something different.   a postcard.  a cityscape was its cover and i flipped it over.   it was from her.  and the hugest smile that anyone could have seen came across my face.  reading what she wrote was short and to the point. ” MISSING  YOU!!  WISHING YOU WERE  HERE!”   signed by a couple x’s and o’s and a heart.   there i sat,  just looking at that postcard’s picture.  seven days till her arrival back home.  not soon enough.   getting up my chair,  i try to find some dinner.  finding something along the way,  i sit in my recliner and turn on the t.v.  and watch something mindless , but i quickly turn it off.   again,  the silence cuts through the surrounding loneliness,  and i try to distract the mind that wonders and  i quickly turn to head for bed.    a hot shower,  a clean shave,   and a good book to fall asleep to.   tossing and turning,  never getting a great nights sleep while the emptiness wraps its cold arms around  me;   where is she tonight?   is she missing me as much as i miss her?    i need to hear her voice,   hold her in my arms and  whisper in her ear,  i need her.   //   quickly i rush to my feet,  pulling on some jeans and my teams jersey,   throwing on some sox and shoes,  i run to the truck.  down the highway i speed down.  the early morning hours pass,  and the corn fields grow to small town commercials created by highway exits.  they come and go  as i try to figure out what i was doing.    the tires roll on like the wheels in my head,   trying to map out a plan.   she was on business,  and this was just my day off.    so it wasn’t like i could really sweep her off her feet and take her away on a vacation.   the mile markers got closer to the queen city,   and fortunately i knew the roads as if  it was my own home town.    but it was only ten in the morning  and i had some time to kill and plan everything out.   //   downtown.   somewhere,  there she is.   tall buildings  cast their shadows down below, on the  people  as they walk by,  coming  and going,  hurrying to their power point presentations.  car horns and ambulance sirens fill the gap between my footsteps.   lunchtime deli,  passing the time,  riverside museum.   could you find me?    i can feel her love come closer.    quickly five p.m. comes around,  and i mix in with the co-workers rush.   one block,   two blocks and the door man opens the door.   hotel lobby,   fine carpets and lined with gold trim.   a far cry from the country pigs and dirt roads.   hotel bar,   hotel pool and the crystal chandelier.    gift shoppe and six elevators,  all  are there,  to lead me to you again.   second floor,  fifth floor,   all the way up to the seventeenth floor,   there i take a deep breath,   and question that maybe she’s too busy,   or even busy in another meeting.   over thinking it,   i quietly laugh at myself.    seventeen-o-nine,  seventeen ten,   seventeen eleven.   is she there?    i face the door,  and like a first date,  my heart beats what seems like out of my chest.  i knock softly and wait.  a faint sound of footsteps approach the door,   and the unlocking of the door preceded by the turning of the handle;   and the door cracks open.   //    i hide my face with the bunch of red roses i bought from the hotel florist,   and i hold my breath.   out from between a thorned branch and a bloom of red petal,   i see her head peer around the opening of  the door,  followed by shriek of surprise;   the door quickly swings open.  she rushes at me like a defensive end to the quarterback,  and im lucky to save the flowers from a  sad ending of being smashed.   her arms rush around me in the hotel hallway,  and we are here.      and as she rushed me for negative yardage,   im in her hotel room.   she stood there in amazement and i hand her  her flowers.    here we are.   standing in this hotel room.   i slowly walk up to her,   reach for her hand and i kiss her ever so gently on the lips.   the kiss was greeted silently with her hand caressing my chest.   slowly she backs away,   and tells me that she’ll be right back.   she retreats to the bathroom,   and i turn and quickly take off my number fourteen jersey and   head to look out the window.   a sunny evening in the city,   and the ants below rush home.    the bathroom door opens, and she utters “honey’.    i turn only to find her in one of my button down business shirts she “stole” and that’s it.   and she’s in some sort of Marilyn Monroe pose against the wall.    quickly i drop the drape from my hand,  and again,   i slowly walk up towards her.   i reach for her hand,   and passionately kiss her,   lovingly.  her hands caressing my chest and back,  slowly unbuckling.   my hands,   gently holding her neck,   to her shoulders,  and button by button,   the shirt falls to the ground,  around her ankles.    deep kissing leads us to the bed,   and i swipe everything off the bed.  laptop,  papers and everything that really doesn’t matter.    there,   wrestling within the sheets,   hands,  sweat, and passionate love stands strong throughout.   what are we going to do?    here we are,   within the arms of our love,   surprise!   we sit there in the afterglow,  and you quickly finish the e-mail and shut the business side of your personality down,   and there we are,   with the evening that awaits us.    is it Nicholson’s or room service that awaits?   we don’t dare leave this room.   no t.v.   no outside interruptions.   here we are,   if only for the one night.    wishing you were here,   please don’t leave.   this magic moment we are in,  what have we found?  the knowing that in the mornings dawn,    i must go,   and another six days wont be so bad.   please don’t go away again,    because i don’t think i can  take it,    i need you tonight,   and tonight is just tough.    because this dream i awoke from,    found me wrapped in loneliness’  arms,  back at home.    t.v. glowing with mindless infomercials.  !! where are you tonight?!     i woke up crying,    needing her now,   because the loneliness is killing my heart.    is she  here?    comfortably,   i lay between the blankets  and couch,  but  numb.    somehow needing her tonight,   i need her within my arms,   holding her so close,   with the smell of  her hair brushing my nose,   the feeling of   her within  my arms,  holding on tight,   falling asleep with her.    i never wanted to let go.  alarm sounds,  it’s  five a.m.,   and i quickly get dressed and i drive off finding the city,  down this highway i go.   here i am,   and i need her tonight.. . . . . . . .

c.2013  BGW

deep within the heart (briefly apart)

. . . . she draws back the thick hotel curtain,  and looks out,  down at the city below her feet.   her reflection mixes in with the outside scenery.   and from the twelfth floor hotel room,  she can see the setting sun clearly.  the cityscape  could have easily been mistaken as  the same as the one before,  tall buildings,  stone,  brick  and  marbled.   little headlights pass by,   as the skycraped  lights grow bright.   quietly the television broadcasts the winning scores,  she turns and watches her favourite teams highlights.   slowly,  finding him again in thought.   turning off the rooms main light,  leaving the bedside table lamp glowing  softly off the wall,  illuminating the painting above the beds headboard.   flipping  the bathroom light switch,  the lights flicker on,   illuminates bright,  bathroom white.   the black and white checkered tile floor was cool on her toes,  as she got herself undressed.  as the bathroom quickly filled up with the warm steam,   the mirror fogged.   she wipes her hand across the mirror and the condensation slowly rolls downward.   and there,  in the clean mirrored image,  alone,  there she stood.  looking into her own eyes,  she could see the memory slowly coming back,  as there he was.   she could feel his hands softly rubbing her shoulders and arms.   behind her,  he softly kisses her neck.   but looking  back into the steamed mirror,   she stands there alone.   //   some two-thousand miles away,  give or take,  minus a thousand or two or plus a few hundred,   there he is.    walking into a house,   without her to come home to after a hard days work,    is a temporary scene.   but one that he could never get used to.    he runs  the razor trough the thick of a foam beard,  across his  face,  and  it shaves him clean.   wiping the mirror off  after every pass on his  face,   the  shower awaits.   looking in the mirror,   there he stands.    tired eyes,   and the stress in his face shines like a bright neon light.    this is not him,  and the man he  knows,   and the man he is seeing,   has  somehow temporarily checked out.    and there,   slowly,   she crawls into his mind,  and he  can feel her hands wiping away his stress,   as if she was there.   his eyes,   looking  back into the mirror,  he is standing alone with only the thought.   he dries himself off ,  dress  in his  nighttime attire,  and heads  for the kitchen.   the summer evening breeze dances though the kitchen window curtain,  and a soft distant sound of thunder dances across the corn field.    there,  as he eats his dinner for one,  he  flips through the channels.   darkened house ;  a soft  glow of the television.   where are you tonight?  //     she dries herself off,    as  she steps out of the shower.    wrapping a towel around herself  and another around her hair,    she calls  room service and orders herself  dinner.   quickly she dresses  in her nighttime attire.    as she answers the knock,   she signs her name and takes the food and heads to the bed.    she eats a bit between her e-mails and replies.   and her food slowly grows cold.   there,  she shuts the laptop,   and props herself up with all the pillows,   against the beds headboard.    flipping through the channels,  catching a glimpse of a movie,  or some sort of program,    the thought of him comes rushing back.    the thought  of one another usually floods each others minds when they are apart.    //    there,  on the couch,   his  food grows cold quickly,  as his  hunger fades away when she is gone.   the  program they  like to watch together  comes on,   and he  can feel her laying  there with him.   but tonight,  the thought of her keeps him company,   and her favourite decorative pillow props his  head up on the couch,  as he continues to watch the flipping of stations.   //  she falls asleep with the television on,  and dreams that he was with her,  holding her and waking up by her side.   but the sound of  the morning alarm proved it all a dream.   one more day of  meetings and deal making awaits,  and then she can go back home.    //   he falls asleep tonight with the television on,   and dreams that she came home a day early.    but the morning alarm proved it all to be a dream,   and with a lonely heart,  he gets ready for the day.   she comes home tomorrow morning.  //    the days apart  never moved as quickly as they wanted them too.  the short time apart always seemed to be too long.    and  everything  always reminded them of each other;    like a song,   or something on  television,   a sports game  or something that they’d come across at the store.    just one more  night,   and there,  they would be together again.    a restless night,   a wrestling match with the blankets,  and  the tossing and turning resembled a fish out of water.    six  a.m.,  this time,   same time,  same time zone,   and the sun peaks up from the horizon.    the strong smelling  coffee brews and looking at the time every five minutes became a bad habit.   he pours himself a cup as he tries to patiently wait for her arrival.   he takes his last sip of coffee and  pulls the curtain back from the kitchen window as he hears the tires roll onto the gravel.   there,  coming up the gravel drive,  she was home.    quickly setting his cup down and rushing out the laundry room door and down the back porch steps,   he watches her pull up and park.   as the dust rolls by,  they run to meet each other,   in the arms of each other,  they once again find  their happiness,   zero miles apart. . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW