the image of memories

the dream, warm and familiar, startled me,  and I awoke in a cold and lonely room.  What had become normal and custom, now is an oddity and a painful reality. when I am awake, the loneliness – dark and empty, flows and surrrounds.  the flickering flame of the burning candle gently dances its soft glow on the walls surround.  the shadows on the walls laugh, as the dream haunts and a tear runs down my face.  a strong autumn wind swiftly passes across the window pane, whistling as it breezes by, and brushes through the dying leaves. //  the hurt haunts and and weighs its worth upon the memory of everything that was good.  emptiness hangs onto the heart,  like some christmas tree ornament.  the hooks tip pierces the fragile layers of what was love, and loved.  poisioned by an astray arrow, the reality was taken away.  i wipe the sweat away from my forehead and remove the soft blankets away from where a good nights slumber once laid.  my God! what has happened?!, where love has been is now ripped away and replaced by doubt and regret? i  stand by the bedside and glance where you once lay, sharing the nights, a life once together.  where did we go oh so wrong?!  questions that go un-answered,  equal the nights without sleep.  i walk in a haze towards the bathroom and splash cold water over the stress covered face that is unrecognizable to those who know me and to those who knew me.  the question of why, hangs in the sight of my eyes, as I look closer in the mirror.  the person who I was yesterday,  is not the person I am today.  but you can find me in the middle of this ball of twine,  this such I call life.  i feverishly fight it, but somehow i  make it worse.  taught and taught, i slowly lose.  movement refrained and im shouting out for help,  only muted by false echoes – can anyone reach the sciccors?!, can we start new?  //  i am dying inside.  day by day, like a cavity, im becoming empty inside without what we were.  darkness once again comforts and looms over my shoulder.  i feel it, deeper and deeper,  i fall into its slumber. melancholy.  the emptiness creeps around the corner, and somehow becomes my only friend.  drapes drawn, the darkness surrounds.  the imagination of the memory is the only stable ground i have to stand on now. the sleepless nights cause unclear reason to believe its not so.  but the truth remains and the pain digs, and burrows its ugly head into my soul.  slowly my eyes close, as i dry my face off and take one last glance at the face that is unrecognizable in the mirror.  i flip the switch and the light goes black, into its own darkness.  and of habit,  i look down the hall where our kids once played and laughed. now all just images of memories once lived, and now torments my own self.  my hand wipes my face,  praying that this nightmare is just that, and this never happened.  but as i take it away,  im still here,  standing in the middle of a house that once was.  where am i now?,  – without you,  im nowhere.  and without you, i dont want to go anywhere.  opening the refrigerator door i grab the milk, and pour myself a glass,  return the jug, i  start sipping it down.  a glimpse of the dinner table shoots another bullet to the head, and i see the weeknight family dinner.  i throw the glass into the sink and it breaks, into a hundred little pieces.   my God! my God!  everywhere I turn, there we are! even when we arent there!!  tic toc, tic toc, it picks at my brain!! the drip, drip of the faucet of memories – i cant shut that off…in the slumber of my numbness, i  find my way back to the bed, and slowly, I draw back the sheets.  cool and empty, i slide myself in.  the days end brings another days beginnings. thats where you can find me – a sunrise brings a new start,  a new day.  the dream, warm and familiar, startled me,  and I awoke in a cold and lonely room.  what had become normal and custom, now is an oddity and a painful reality. when i  am awake, the loneliness, dark and empty, flows and surrrounds.  the flickering flame of the burning candle gently dances its soft glow on the walls surround.  the shadows on the walls laugh, as the dream haunts and a tear runs down my face.  a strong autumn wind swiftly passes across the window pane, whistling as it breezes by, and brushes through the dying leaves…..

c. oct. 2013 bgw