all that slips away

53

. . . . . . darkness quickly covered the  days sky.   the moon shone its glow on the coastal waters,  and the waves still crashed ashore.   i keep looking around,  thinking that you’d still be there,  but the reality of solitude brought a chill of loneliness along with the sea’s breeze.  but after each step taken,  sinking in the sands,   i beg for the warming of the sun of yester;   knock on the door and there’s nobody home .   but still,  the stars guide the way and the intoxication of the salted air keeps me wanting more.  the peace that the beach brought,  now turned to a sharp sting of question.    the feet that sunk in the sands,  now freeze and feel like they’re in cement.  all that slips away –   the sea, the sand;   the moon and stars drifted all away,  and left me in the dark.   silence all around and the  darkness crawls upon my skin.  i cry out,  and nothing comes tearing out of my mouth.   tossing and turning,  feeling like im suffocating,  i gasp for one last deep breath.   muscles tense and loose,  slow to respond.  my mind races out of control.  panic leaps out from my throat and becomes lodged,  death in silence,  my thoughts race and cannot win. //   i am there.   my eyes squint,  adjusting to the bright light of day.   a riverfront cityscape stands before me,  and something is horribly wrong.  streets that should be busy,  the cars that are honking,   people who should be about,  were all void,  missing.   the water wasnt flowing through the fountain,  and yet again,  silence deafens.  standing in the middle of the street,  shocked and all in awe,  i couldn’t believe my eyes.   the tall buildings of brick,  steel,  and marble are all now lying in ruins,  crumbled in pieces on the ground.    a thick fog quickly rolled in and covered the recognizable ruins.   shouting for anyone to hear me,  all my cry’s falling on complete nothingness,  emptiness.   i run down the street,  jumping over the obstacles of pieces of building, running,  feeling like im going in circles,  still i shout out for anyone to hear me.  “CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!!!”     i quickly run down to the river that once saved me in a nine count  –  once again i freeze.   my eyes grew large in shock,  as i saw that the river had risen,  and swept away everything that was down on the front.  my heart beats faster as panic sets in.  where was i ?  i turn to run away from the rushing rising waters of the river.   i run faster and faster,  seeming like i was running like molasses,  more panic sets in.   trying like hell to get out of there,   the ground started to shake and the rest of what building walls stood,  now completely fell.  the black and white tiles,  scattered on the streets below,  the fountain statues now fell and broke apart.  the window glass now shattered and rained down on top of me.  still crying out for someone to hear,  my words turn to sheer bear calls.  i quickly try to run down through the disaster,  and i run myself through and now walnut street turned into our street where we live,  or lived.   i stop in shock and tears come pouring out of my eyes.    the sidewalk where i walked home  every night after work,  now lay buckled.  the wooded gate and fence lies on the ground,  and the roof sunk in,  windows broke.   i run up the cobblestone walk and rush through the door.   the front parlour  is now crowded with overturned books and furniture.  the mothers desk sat vacant.  i scream out your name,  desperately seeking your face,  silence answered and meet me in the entry.  i run up the torn stairs and rush to open every door,  yelling out for you;  an empty crib with unplayed toys.  “HELLLOOO,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,  IS ANYONE HERE?!!”  out of breath,  i stop out of sheer exhaustion.  the tears keep pouring out,  where was i ?  i lean against a wall and slide down it as i sat on the dirt covered carpeted floor.   my hands cover my face and i uncontrollably scream out  your name.  i reach out for my son,  but he doesn’t come up to me.  an unfamiliar emptiness,  and loneliness crawls up my skin.   and as my hands wipe my face,  slowly the home i once knew,  slipped away and  left me in the dark.   silence falls all around and the  darkness now crawls upon my skin.  i cry out,  and nothing comes tearing out of my mouth.   tossing and turning,  feeling like im suffocating,  i gasp for one last deep breath.  muscles tense and loose,  slow to respond.  my mind races out of control.  panic leaps out from my throat and becomes lodged,  death in silence,  my thoughts race and cannot win.  without all these things in my life,  i am nothing.   //   and as soon as the darkness rolls over my eyes and i gasp for one last breath,  reality quickly saves me and my eyes open.  sweat rolling down my face,  tears still pouring out of me,  are you next to me,  can i feel the arms that comfort?   the hands that soothe,  or the voice that tells me that everything is ok?   i pull the sheets off ad run down the hall,  and see if that crib is being occupied by my sleeping angel,  he is my life.  the nightlight in the hall softly glows,  not leaving me in the dark.  i turn the corner into the baby’s room.  my feet freeze and feel like they’re in cement.  in a blink of an eye,   all that slips away, please,   let me go back to the start,  where we started it all. . . . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW

out on the beach

52

. . . . . the sun rises slowly, and cracks its light  just above the watered horizon.   the twilight of the night slowly fades into the mixture of  orange,  pink,  soft purple, a  new days dawn.  the crescent of the moon,  the twinkle of a nearby star.  i wake way before the alarm was set to go off.   i let you and the baby sleep,  as i quietly throw on a shirt and shorts and head out to the beach side patio to clear my mind;  finding  a peace that can only be found on the beach.   the sky is God’s canvas,  and every morning is a different painting.   everyday different from the day before.  the lighting,  the clouds and the point where the sun rises from.  and i wanted to see it all in action.  i  kick off my sandals and head for the sands.  the smell of the saltwater calms,  the sounds of the wave crashing ashore erases my thoughts of work  and the quietness of the beach before the circus come rushing  in,  frees me.   the waves that crash ashore  quickly  rush  up past to where my feet make prints .  my footsteps slowly sinking into the wetted sands,  the gentle breeze of the sea makes landfall,  and the bent grass rustles.   i walk with my thoughts up and down the shore.  each minute that passes  becomes brighter.  welcome today.   as i head back,  i see that you have awaken,  and are waiting for me up on the patio.  she is my lighthouse,  and i am the lost ship without her.   good morning hug,  i love you kiss.   we sit on the swinging bench and sip on our coffees,  watching the seagulls squawk and circle the waters,  searching for their breakfast.  a carefree morning of relaxing and talking takes a break when our little one awakes and cries for us to come pick him up.   i set my mug on the textured glass table top,  i start making my airplane noises and raise him up into the air,  filling the air with his baby laugh.  beach side memories.   swim suits,  sunscreen and the baby’s beach hat;  a family,  the beach and the summer sun,  the day ahead.  the circus slowly filters on the tan sands of the coast.     just by walking off out patio,  we have beat the crowd.  the crashing of the waves,  and the rushing of the waters up on shore becomes closer and closer.   there you lay on the beach blanket,  the sun soaking your skin,  early afternoon tan.  you catch me looking at you and you push down your sunglasses,  giving me a returned look and smile.   i take our son into the water to introduce him to the liquid surface.  a look of wonder,  a look of confusion soon disappears with a laugh and a smile.  splashing his arms in and out of the waters,  i hold him tight.  i laugh and playfully spin him around,  up and down,    and he accidentally chokes on some water.  catching his breath,  he lets out a cry,  and you come rushing up to see if he’s ok.   once he calms,  we walk a while up the shore and head towards the beach side restaurant,  catching a break from the mid days heat.   a bite to eat,  and we return to our sandy beds of cartoon and sport team towels.  he had fallen asleep in your arms and i quickly take a picture.  i adjust the beach umbrella to block out the sun from your eyes.  after another hour of splashing in the ocean and bathing  in the sun,  we head back indoors.  there we all crash on the soft couch,  im holding you while you hold the baby,  and you quickly doze off.  i quietly  turn on the game and i soon follow suit to taking a nap.  baby gets restless after his hour nap and lets out his hunger cry.  waking,  we get up.  as you go to feed him,  i walk to get something to drink in time to watch the seventh inning stretch.  as you and the baby finish,  we head upstairs to get ready for the night out.  the baby plays inside the crib and we start our showers.   i get in first and wash off the sand grit and sea salt,  wash my hair and dry my self off.  quickly you do the same and i greet you with your towel.   the bathroom full of steam,  quickly  the passion is met.   your smile can say a thousand words,  and my thousand words can make you smile.  we dress and bathe the little one and set off for the night.  dinner out,  a tourist trap souvenir shoppe  full of gaudy trinkets,  shirts and stickers saying that we were here.  dinner of fresh fish by the seaside sunset,  and by time the drive home ended,  baby was fast asleep,   and ready for the next day.  we lay him in his crib,  and we stand and watch him sleep.  something so perfect,  peacefully sleeping,  dreaming of who knows what,  was just there making us smile and standing there in awe.  retreating to our bed,  i fall in love with you all over again.  if i could only tell her,  show her,  what she means to me.  if i could,  it wouldn’t even begin the task.  the sun kiss’d skin,  the way her hair sits upon her shoulders.  her eyes and all that makes her,  her.  i needed her.  she is my lighthouse,  and i am the lost ship without her.  slowly as the night crept in,  the moon that drifted away,  crept back into the night time painting and sparkled its image onto the water’s surface.  one by one,  the stars come out to play.   still,  the waves crashing ashore fills the sleepy air. and off in the distance,  the light house shines.   under the covers we hold each other close.  gently the ceiling fan circulates the scent of sea salt air,  and cools the room.  the sun rises slowly, and cracks its light  just above the watered horizon.   the twilight of the night slowly fades into the mixture of  orange,  pink,  soft purple, a  new days dawn.  the crescent of the moon,  the twinkle of a nearby star.  i wake before way before the alarm was set to go off.   i let you and the baby sleep . . . . . . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW

camelot has fallen

. . . . the sun sets below the tree line,  just past the wheat fields.  another tough day done,   a broken heart weighs heavy, and crushes within.  the thought of it all going away,  the fun,  the need  and the desire gone as simple as an eraser to pencil,  or maybe a rug being pulled away from under where i stand.   gentle breeze blows slowly across my face,  through the trees.   sitting here on the front porch steps,  my face in my hands,  wondering what the hell i did,  or what just happened.  because it happened so quick,  it left me in utter disbelief.    and now the words that were once in a neat pile,  now just flutter away,  leaf by leaf,  word by word.  and now the music we made love to is now just a knife stabbing  my feelings,  haunting my  memories.  the hunger comes and goes, and  i want to eat,  but there’s no one here to share this meal of  forlornness with.   i take a bite,  and i leave the rest to get cold.  desperately seeking for hope,   the blackened room blinds,  searching  for another  fresh start,  but there’s nothing left in your heart.  bedtime,  the coolness of the sheets,  the softness of the pillows and the complete quietness that screams out the loneliness.  i reach over to hear your good night,  and it’s not there.   the sheer pain in my body of emptiness,  kills me  to sleep.  the quicksand dream,  and the reality of you not there,  after the walk home dream,  i wake in the pool of tears.  no one is there to hear;   my plea has fallen on deaf ears.   a new day,  and i walk through the motions,  numb.   my feet reluctantly touch the ground.  the darkness surrounds the moment  i look to see my good morning start.  not there,  i take a deep breath,  and run my hands over my face,  walk on over to the sink and turn the knob.   cupping my hands,  i gather water,  and splash it upon my face.  doing this a few times,  i think about the day,  and all the things that need to be done.  i dry my face off and look in the mirror.   the worn out eyes,  the smile that has disappeared,  this is not me.  the early morning rain softly tapped on the kitchen window.  i reach for the coffee and start the brewing.  leaning on the counter,  standing there,  not in a morning haze,  but rather in a memory daze.    grabbing my cup,  i fill it with the welcoming brew.  i sit at the table and take a sip.   gone is you,  and the pain of  losing remains.   my body says “get up and go”,  but there,  my mind trumps and i waste time,  sitting in my chair motionless,  wondering how  i can continue on without you now.    gone is you,  and the pain of losing remains.  slowly i get up and get on with the day.  i move through the motions,  but the memory sticks with me,  haunting,  attacking every action,  every direction;  where do i run to?    Camelot has fallen,  and now sits empty.    gone is you,  and the pain of losing remains. . . . . . . .

c.2013  BGW

good morning (good night)

. . . . .the needle on the vinyl created a crackling sound,  giving the music more character.   if he timed it just right,  the song that was always “their song”  would be playing,  just as she would come through the door.   making sure everything was right,  he doubled checked to see if everything was in place.  hearing her pull up the drive,  he wipes his sweaty palms on the side of his shirt and  takes one last deep breath.   after dropping the kids off to a friends sleepover,  she walks through the door of the laundry room,  and puts  her purse on the designated hook on the wall.   opening the door to the family room,  she notices the darkness,  but her eyes quickly adjust and sees the countless candles,  golden glow,  lighting the darkness.  she  smells the dinner that awaits and  hears the music softly playing.   and there,  he waits for her surprised face to glance on over to him.  she smiles,  and slowly walks up to him,  and he hands her the flowers that he picked just for her,  from the wildflower garden that they grew in their backyard.   she smells the bouquet and looks up at him still smiling.   he welcomes her home and takes her into his arms.  while the music  played softly in the background,  the welcome home hug became a welcomed embrace.  there in the glow of the candles,  the silence of a childless evening and the sound of  the  special record playing in the background,  just as he timed it,  their song came on.   a welcomed embrace formed into their own slow dance,  as the candle glow looked on.   she gently tosses the flowers on the couch and quickly returns her arms around him,  but this time just a little tighter.   the soft scent of his cologne intoxicated  her senses  as she relaxes her head  on his chest.   he,  relaxes his head atop her head and he softly inhales the sweet scent of her perfume.   he moves his arms away from the embrace and softly takes her back into them again but only to kiss her,  deeply and lovingly.   the passion returns,  often going by without.   children and practices and work schedules usually trumped everything,   until exhaustion  settled in and the next day rolled around and it was the same song and dance,  all over again.   but tonight,   they had it all to themselves,   if only for the one night.     she whispers in his ear  “i love you”.   he loved her voice.  he loved how she told him the little things like,  how she was thinking about him,  or how much  she wished that he was there with her,  and how much she thought of him.  it made him feel important and needed.   it soothed his emotions,  and could make a bad day,  good.   he,   whispers in her ear,   “i’m  the luckiest man in the world,  because i get to wake up everyday with you by my side and hear your voice say good morning,  and then to end my day,  still with you by my side and to hear you tell me good night.   how can i be an unlucky man,  to start and end my day with you?  what kind of fool i would be to take that for granted.”  her smile greeted him again.  by the look in her eyes,  and the way that he read her eyes,  their hands were one step ahead.   the needle quickly lifted off of the vinyl and clicked off,  he turns and quickly places it back on their song.   the scent of the candles,  the sounds of the song,  all became non existent as they fell onto the couch,  wrapped in each others caressing hands.   two puzzle pieces coming together,  far too perfect;   the way they made each other feel,   free all over again.   the names flew  in the air,  and the warm glow shining in the dark found themselves,  new,  all over again.   laying in his arms,  she trys  to gather her thoughts,  and he gently holds her tighter.   the record was long over and there they were in the silence.   ten p.m. and there aren’t any kids to make go take their baths and there wasnt any arguing coming from the upstairs.  the gentle silence in lovers arms,  hadn’t been forgotten,  but needed to be visited again.   the dinner now sat cold upon the kitchen counter.   she gets up and warms it up.  he grabs the plates and they quickly eat  at the table.  cleaning up and taking showers,  he blows out the candles as she puts her flowers inside a vase.   retiring to the bedroom,  they pull back the sheets.   he reaches for the remote and she interrupts and says,  “are you sure you want to watch t.v.?”  and her robe falls softly  to the ground.  he sets the remote down quickly,  and settles into the bed,  pulling the warm cottony sheets aside.  the bedside lamp shone,   and the alarm clock  tick’d – toc’d.   rounds three and four pass,  there he holds her close.    the much needed sleep caught up to them and they were out for the count.  sleeping in,  the coffee is brewing,   and a new day has come.   he smiles as she tells him good morning.   pouring a cup of coffee and slowly sipping away,  they sluggishly dress for the day and drive to get the kids.   another date night passes,   and as the kids climb in and start their arguing,  family day has begun. . . . . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW

can never say it enough (i need her)

. . . . . . what can i say about her?  nothing that i havent already said before,  but can never say it enough.  the sparkling  coloured eyes that look into my eyes,  always say a thousand, unspoken words.  the gentle tapping of the rain,  hitting the skylight,  quickly fills in the silence in the room.   the beating of each others hearts,  exposes the nervousness within  us.   the candlelight flickers as it shows the smile,  the grin,  exposing the beauty that is her.  she is so beautiful.   she is the desire.   the way she whispers  her words,   the soft touch of  her hands,  caressing the mind and body.   this  passion,  filling our voids,  needs and  desires.   here within my hands,   it is you,   that i am holding close.  and tonight,  here we are.   the deep desire,   the passion,  acts on the feelings within.   here i am .   the soft skin,   the gentle kiss.    the warmth,   the honesty.  here we are.   like a puzzle piece,  her hand fits inside of my hand,  a gentle squeeze,  and i feel safe.   face  of  an angel,  and im lost within her eyes again.  endless thoughts and emotions cover my mind like a thick fog rolling into a cityscape;    she seeped through the cracks of  voidance,  everything i kept to myself,  everything i kept private and everything behind everything in my life,  she knew all about it.   i wasnt supposed to let that happen,  and she found a way in.   every physical moment apart,  she’s there,  knocking at the thought,  and every moment together is just never long enough.  //  the passion rises,  as the sun sets below the sailing ships deck.  the clink of a wine glass toast,  a dinner for two.  a drop of wax drips down the side of the candle,  flickering flame.   romance is endless like the sea,  following the motion of the waves.  her hair flows in the sailing breeze.   her face of electrifying beauty,  draws the desire deeper within my soul.   lost in the stars twilight,  the moonlight shimmer’s across the water’s surface.  she is my island,  my paradise.  she turns a cluster of words that scatter inside my head,  into a  poetic prose that is her,  perfectly stated,  but never coming close to her breathtaking beauty.   so, what can i say about her?  nothing that i havent already said before,  but  i can never say it enough.  she makes me feel free.   she takes my feelings that  were numbing  to  my insides and make them  feel brand new;   she is the music to my words,  and i need her. . . . . .

c. 2013  BGW