part one : a crumbling foundation

. . . . . . . greyish dark clouds loom in the sky above.  a slow and steady curtain of rain softly falls down on me below.  i slammed that front door so many times,  that  i’ve  forgotten the count.  but somehow i knew, in the back of my mind, it was the last time.  complete defeat overwhelmed my heart.  but there i stood, in the rain, my hardened eyes, looking back to house that stood knee-deep in arguments, and back to my truck that could take me out to find peace that i deeply needed, desired.  there, in the pouring rain, the two paths collided into a crossroad that demanded an answer right then and there.  there, realizing that i could go back in,  temporarily fixing the damage  until the next big blow up, or i could get in that truck and find a new beginning, my new day’s dawn. //  there inside the house, stood the one i fell in love with years prior.  i loved her from the beginning.   but the feeling has changed now, thanks to layers of arguments and disagreements and the amount differences.  we both knew it was going to be a tough marriage from the start, but someway thought that we could work it all out through the mixture of  time,  love and God.  you see, even before we got married, we both had walls. walls made with a mortar mixture of hurt and distrust.  fort knox walls.  i grew to know it was deeper than that, it went deeper than anyone could ever understand. and as good as i thought i was, i thought i was the wrecking ball, ready to demolish those walls.  but over the years, the wanting to become better,  for each other, the cleaving of two married people, still had yet to happen.  falling more in love with each other, with each passing day, had become stagnant and a chore.  the seeking, the searching for that happiness, turned to a dark burden within the home.// but that’s only a small brick in our crumbling foundation.  the fingers pointed to both of us, not to one or the other.   but at this moment, is  a relationship, of two married adults,  hanging  in the balance, sinking at the intersection of  dead-end and what lies ahead.   above me, a large thunder clash, snapping me back to the immediate situation that sits in front of me.  with  rain rolling down my face,  i look once more at the house of fallen cards and i quickly grab the handle to the truck, open its door, get in and started the engine.  and as soon as  i push in the clutch and turn the ignition,  i drive away. that was it.  i now knew that this was the last time in that driveway,  the last time of  being  part of my home there.  hands shaking, heart beating. feeling the hurt. a tear mixes  in with a  bead  rain  on my face.  i never did look in that rear view mirror.  and as i came across the end of the driveway, there was the open road.   looking left, looking right. possibility after possibility.   no wrong answers,  no yelling,  just the road.  and at that moment i knew where i was headed . . . . . . . .c. 2012 BGW

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